The storm before the calm

Its Monday and its a couple of days before I get admitted to Hopkins again to begin round 3 of chemotherapy. There is so much to do and seemingly so little time to in which to do it.

Before I go too far down the path of sharing the nitty-gritty of what I feel I need to do and open myself up to the howls of "You shouldn't be worrying about those things!" and "Ask for help!" I think I might shift gears just a bit and explain why there is a storm before the mind-numbing hospital stays and why it isn't as easy as just letting someone else do it.

This all hearkens back to many of the same sentiments I've expressed before. My goal in all of this is to get better. If I had to pick the path that I take to reaching that goal it would be the one that causes the fewest 'problems'--problems for me, problems for family, friends, coworkers. And I define problems pretty liberally. Marla having to figure out how to be a single parent for a short time AND have to pay the bills is a problem since I can (and will) pay the bills before I go. Similarly, there are things that I simply cannot do at work since I'm not there every day but there are burdens that don't HAVE to be shifted to those who are already picking up my slack.

I have the energy and the ability to alleviate or mitigate these 'problems' today and tomorrow. Doing so allows me to feel useful and to enter the hospital with only my treatment and recovery on my mind. If I can believe what I hear about my treatment regimen, there will be a time where these activities shift from a workable set of activities to a matter of over-extending myself. At such a point I may well agree that 'I shouldn't be worrying about these things' and will turn around and ask for help. My only concern is that I won't be able or willing to recognize when that time comes. I'm pretty certain, however, that it isn't now . . .