"It must be absolutely terrifying sometimes" my mom said yesterday as we were leaving my outpatient appointment at Hopkins.
I responded with the truth. It is terrifying--sometimes. There are short bursts of terror when I allow myself to dwell on what I'm up against and what falling short of recovery means. I suppose there are other sorts of terror that lurk within the process of being treated for cancer that many wouldn't use "terror" to describe: admitting publicly that you are very seriously ill when you have been healthy all your life, checking into a hospital and becoming a cancer patient for the first time, trying to figure out how to learn to accept charitable offers with both grace and dignity when you've never asked for, or needed it, in the past.
Even as I read back over the previous paragraph those last three don't seem to measure up to being made very, very aware of your mortality and yet I will say that I have spent much more time dealing with them than I have the severity of my illness. I myself wonder at times if I am simply avoiding the topic of mortality. How can it be that there are times where I am able to practically forget about Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma?
I have thought about this lack of doom-dwelling long before my mom and I had our conversation yesterday. I believe that the explanation lies in the fact that I have thrown myself into the effort of being cured of cancer. Each day is a new little battle where I have to do things differently--I'm not going to work, I'm eating different foods, I'm taking lots of medicine, and I'm making sacrifices like not going to the kids' halloween parades tomorrow (in favor of a spinal tap, I might add). These are all battles aimed at winning the war. Many of the comments I have received regarding my posts mention my positive outlook. Aside from my optimistic tendencies, my outlook is positive out of the necessity to sustain my daily efforts and because I have yet to receive any reason why it should be otherwise.
I cannot think of any way that I could endure the daily battles or the larger war if I spent my days focused on the potential negative outcomes. I'm not sure I understand how anyone could.
--Russ.
P.S. Thank you all for continuing to read my blog (over 800 visits so far on Caring Bridge alone), voicing your support, and cheering me on. It makes a big difference and it is why I make visiting my blogs part of my morning routine as I head off to battle.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I was concerned yesterday when there was no posting. I'm sure I'm not the only one following this every day and wondering how you are able to handle everything so well. But, you are right, being positive is the only way to get through this and you have lots of us being positive with you!!
ReplyDeleteLet me say first that your Mom's statement was not really about you but really from the parents perspective. (Give her a hug for me!) Most of us don't live each day thinking about our mortality. Excuse me, I had a teenage moment there!! When you become a parent, holding that tiny baby in your hands and dealing with fevers, etc, sending the little one off to kindergarten, arms and legs broken, the teenage years going to parties and driving a car, and then sending your 18 yr old off to war or college, you do think about mortality, but not your own. Being a parent and watching your child is difficult at times. Being the father or mother in this situation is a bit more terrifying. Having the love, support and generosity of parents, friends, co-workers, acquaintances and those who haven't met you makes the thought "terrifying" a smaller part of the equation. So I'm with you. You don't have time to dwell on your illness. Do what you have to do. With the wonders of research and medical science along with those who choose the medical profession gives us the courage and hope to live our lives to the fullest. Boo!
ReplyDeleteMarie
I remember reading something about how humans are programmed to avoid thinking about unpleasant things. It makes sense to narrow your focus on the here and now, taking things one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteWe were all concerned, like Anon said, when there was no posting yesterday. This is not a plea for constant updates however! But the hope that yesterday's silence wasn't a result of feeling crappy and if it was was, the hope you are feeling better today.
- Liz
Wow! I had no idea the concern I generated by missing a day. Rest assured, I feel fine. In truth I just didn't have time to post as I had an appointment at Hopkins and had several things to take care of here before I could go. As a rule you should not be concerned if I miss on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday as these are the typical days for me to travel to Hopkins and it tends to be a full day.
ReplyDeleteRuss, it's like when you dashed into the office one morning without a tie on - one's mind goes straight to Red Alert without considering less alarming reasons for the lapse. :) But I'll keep your schedule in mind in the future.
ReplyDeleteHa, I just realized I stuck "was" twice in my last comment. I write good, can I has job? XP
- Liz
Ok, since you might miss writing on M-W-F write twice on the next day! Kinda like catching up on limericks! And I want to hear what you have to say about the Phillies (my home-ies) win.
ReplyDeleteMarie
I was expecting the Rays to put up more of a fight. Phooey!
ReplyDelete