Remission Control

My last day of work was October 1st. On that day I scrambled to compile all of my open items and to have some sembalance of an organized hand-off to my employer. As I was winding down and getting set to leave for 24 weeks of chemo treatments a co-worker hit me with a flurry of phone calls. "This will be hard for you. You are a control person." she said during one of them. Initially I took this from her to mean I was controlling or somehow unable to delegate. As we talked I realized, however, that she had made an observation of me that I was only starting to make of myself.

Days before, as I went through CT Scans, PET Scans, Blood Tests, Marrow Checks and one physician handed me off to the next one in line I became very aware of how little control I had in this process. I had no expertise or knowledge to bring to bear on the situation, no actions that I could undertake to speed or improve the process, and it was pretty clear that this was not the time to think 'out-of-the-box'. As I sat in one doctor's office I wracked my brain for just what it was that I COULD control. I came up with two: I can control my attitude and I can make my body available for treatment.

When I checked into Hopkins and had my first conversation regarding my treatment with team of doctors I presented these two sparse spheres of control and practically pleaded with them to contrive more for me. I prompted with 'Nutrition, perhaps' and was greeted with a solemn shake of the head. Instead they concurred that the two I had come up with seemed like a pretty full and complete list.

Now that I'm several weeks into this and have had more opportunity for introspection I suppose that I have not yet come up with other areas where I control the outcome of my treatment. I do think that there is more to controlling my attitude than what I had originally meant.

At the time of my initial brainstorming 'controlling my attitude' meant more about keeping a positive outlook and being helpful as a patient or maybe even more succinctly: don't get grumpy. Many responses to what I have written thus far have remarked on my outlook, attitude, upbeat nature and, in truth, it simply is not in my nature to be grumpy.

Controlling my attitude has taken on much more meaning in the intervening days. It now includes making smart use of my energies (now, while I have plenty and obviously later when I won't), and keeping myself from becoming a hermit by blogging, e-mailing, and checking in at work. It also means looking for ways to be part of the solution by being an educated patient, a savvy consumer of health insurance, and an active participant in the broader effort to find better treatments and cures for my illness through charities like the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

As I've started shovelling concepts and related activities under the broader heading of 'controlling my attitude' I have found that the unsettling feeling of being out of control has abated and in its place is a sense of confidence that I will get better and that I will successfully weather all that this illness, the medicinces, and the doctors can throw at me.