The delay in the rearview mirror

Good Morning All:

Thanks for all the well wishes I've been receiving as I start my final round of chemo. The chemo was hung last night and it continues to flow. I'll be receiving my 12th and final spinal tap in about an hour--man, I'll be happy to cross that one off the list!

I wanted to get back to a more introspective post now that this 3-week delay is behind me . . .

As my mom drove me to Hopkins yesterday she surmised that the timing of this delay, right as I reached the end of the process, must have made it particularly tough to deal with. I will concur that it was difficult to stomach just as I was beginning to anticipate life following the chemo regimen.

I will add, however, that I was infinitely better prepared to deal with such a delay now than I would have been in round 2 or 3, for example. I have been through this process now for 8 cycles over 6 months and I have seen quite a bit and learned much about the process and what variables are at play at any given time. While this last delay was frustrating, I at least understood what was happening and could put it in perspective. At the very least I was able to keep my sights set on life following round 8.

On the other hand, had this delay occurred at the outset, while I was still formulating my goals of coaching Nolan's team, getting back to work, etc. frustration may have given way to despair. I can't be certain how I would have responded to early setbacks but I would have to assume that the confidence and upbeat outlook that carried me through this process would have been harder to find and maintain. Without the 'attitude' that I've come to rely on I am not certain that the treatments would have been as smooth or, scary to think, as successful as they have been.

As I sit in my hospital room and contemplate the 8th and final in-patient treatment I also can find reason to be thankful that the majority of the delay was caused by an illness that I might have been just as likely to get had cancer never been in the picture. Sure, part of the delay was the typical waiting for platelets and the recovery from pneumonia and flu might have been slowed by the lack of white blood cells. But those are temporary suppressions of the same blood-producing system. That should return to normal as the chemicals leave my body. In the end, I can look back at the last few weeks and still say that I am physically strong as I prepare to finish my chemotherapy regimen. That was probably the first goal I set for myself: that I can finish this process with one of the same mantras I had when I began it . . . "I am not frail."